Going into the New Year I had high expectations for myself. I hoped to be more productive, less of a procrastinator, and to challenge myself to be a better version than my current being. With March approaching quickly, everything I set out to do has only made me realize that my ambitions are no match for my will.
I want to do a lot of things in my life, but I never want to do anything half-hearted. And frankly, I’m struggling in this area. So forgive me for being a little quiet lately. I love this space where I can write freely; but for someone who has always struggled with writing and articulating her thoughts, I feel a bit off and lost. I also know writing consistently is a discipline – another area I could improve in. Best intentions don’t mean much when it sits on the sidelines watching life pass by.
The last few weeks I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with family commitments, work projects, and focusing on making sure my walk with God remains a priority – I am definitely in a wilderness season. As I watched the Whitney Houston funeral service I was struck by the words Kevin Costner used to describe Whitney’s insecurities, “Am I good enough?” I resonated with his words as I’ve struggled with this very same question most of my life. But the question I ask myself now isn’t so much of whether or not I’m good enough but whether or not I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing and for the right reasons. This past year has been such a roller coaster and the only thing that has brought me through everything has been my faith in God.
Even in a wilderness season, I wait for His manna to sustain me. I rest in His promises. I do not want to let circumstances to determine my feelings and emotions. I also do not want to be led by fear. I want to be better, striving only for excellence and settling for nothing less. So here’s to March – hoping that these words will manifest into reality and that my days in the wilderness will be over.
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
Overwhelmed is the perfect word to describe the last few months for me too. I’ve been leading a book study on Joyce Meyers, Battlefield of the Mind–have you read it? I’m finding it incredibly insightful and helpful. And slowly (very slowly), I’m finding my attitude shift and seeking perspective in situations that would before, just ruin me.
Hi Ruthy,
Yes, I am a big fan of Joyce Meyers and her books. The battle is in our minds and sometimes it’s hard to shake those feelings out. But I am focused right now on dedicated (daily) scripture reading, prayer, and journaling. It has been very encouraging to me.
PS: Let me know when you’re in Seattle. We still need to get that cup of coffee!
Alice – At least you’re making attempts to write during your “wilderness season”. I couldn’t even muster up the energy to do that. And at least you’re still trusting in God to provide what you need. I started doubting His very existence and constantly questioning his character during my most recent time in the “desert”. Through my discipleship group, time in the Word, encouragement from friends, lots of prayers, God is seeing me through that time and helping to remind me of His faithfulness, even in the difficult circumstances. And what I’m most thankful for is that God never gives up on us. He never lets us go. Praying God sees you through this season so His riches and His goodness will taste even sweeter! *hugs*
Rachel,
I’m convinced this is a process we all go through over and over and over again. I just finished reading Exodus and thinking a lot about the purpose for manna. Just enough to sustain and always requiring to trust God for the next day’s portion. I also think it forces me to address issues of unbelief. We either trust or we don’t. It is so easy to say we believe, but completely different to walk it out. I feel like it is day to day for me.. He is my portion and He is enough.
Alice…your post struck a cord with me as I too am struggling and have been for a number of months…the wilderness semmms very bleak and dark. Most of my struggles are health related and should be within my control…at least I feel they should… but seem not to be. I feel everyday that I take one step forward and two back. I am a believer in the Univerise or God , sending messages that we are supposed to recognize and learn from. It seems lately that, for me, the messages are more like giant smacks and I can’t seem to understand what exactly I to learn from them.
I do hope you find your way and that 2012 moves you away from your wilderness and into fields of beauty and light.
Nancy,
Right now I am dedicating myself to journaling. I find it has been very helpful and purposeful to process my thoughts that are buried so deep that weigh me down. What I look to do is mediate and pray for anywhere to 30-60 minutes daily asking that still quiet voice deep within me to give me the courage to write whatever is on my heart without judging myself for giving it a voice. In many ways it has been freeing to acknowledge fears and disapointments.
Thinking of you, Nancy!
Alice
Another post I resonate with… as soon as you wrote “wilderness,” I thought of Priscilla Shire’s study, One in a Million. (Not sure if you’re familiar with her or not; she’s on par with Beth Moore–Bible-based and very thought-provoking.) It was a wonderful Bible study, and one I now think I need to revisit for some encouragement! Just wanted to mention it as it may be of interest to you, too. Be well!
Hi Mindy,
Thanks for visiting. I am not familiar with Priscilla Shire but am so glad that you mentioned her so I can look into her studies. Right now I am going through the Old Testiment but will look into One in a Million. So sorry to hear about your mom. It is wonderful to know we never walk this journey alone!
Alice
Alice,
Being in college, I am just beginning my own personal journey with God. How great is his love?
I don’t think I’ve ever felt a feeling so gratifying as to know that we are His, and that he loves us without condition…wiping our slates clean regardless of our sins and struggles. And man do we struggle. But that’s okay. Because at the end of the road, we’ll look back on the landscape of our lives and be just as appreciative of having conquered all of the struggles, as well as the good times in our lives.
That being said, that isn’t the reason I decided to post. I simply wanted to let you know, that I appreciate your writing. More than appreciate, I’m moved by it. And I couldn’t quite figure out why at first. You’re a good writer, yes. But there is something more to it. And that’s when it struck me. Your writing is enveloped in God’s grace. To the point where I can feel it when I read it. And despite all the awesome religious books and devotions that I’ve read in the past year, I have never detected that or been struck as I have been when reading your words. It gives me a sense of solid ground, so to speak. And I look forward to continuing to read your stuff in the future. Thanks you, thank you, thank you.
God Bless,
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
Thank you for your encouragement this morning – what a special and wonderful gift to wake up to! When this year started I decided to start reading the Old Testament from the beginning (again). Currently, I’m reading and meditating through the book of Deuteronomy right now and it has been ministering to me so much. I’ve always been a believer in understanding seasons of faith and the wilderness journey is a place I am familiar with. It’s the place I am the most uncomfortable in because I struggle with patience and yielding to what I believe God is trying to accomplish in and through me. But at the same time, it is a sweet and wonderful place to be because my sensitivity and awareness of being completely wrapped in God’s love, presence, and grace encourages me to seek Him more with reckless abandonment.
One nice thing about the wilderness is knowing there is the promise land on the other side. God never fails me in this regard. Honestly, I know in my heart that everything happening to me has a purpose. God has a beautiful way of gently guiding me as He proves His himself to me over and over again – even when I confess my fears of unbelief. While I was reading my bible during my quiet time this morning this scripture jumped out at me and I just knew it was the Lord speaking to me, “So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Deuteronomy 31:6. What a wonderful truth to hold on to.
Lastly, journeying through the wilderness has purpose too. I remember praying months ago to be refined, pruned, and for God to prepare me for this next season of my life. I invited Him to do this knowing it would be painful, knowing I would not like it, and knowing I would have to surrender myself to this process. If it weren’t for the fact that I knew there would be some sort of transformation waiting for me on the other side of this, I wouldn’t be able to endure what I would describe as the refiner’s fire. So I keep my eyes on Him knowing He’ll bring me through like He always has before knowing in the end I’m going to be better off for it.
Thanks again for your encouragement today!
Alice
Alice thank you for these words…”I rest in His promises. I do not want to let circumstances to determine my feelings and emotions. I also do not want to be led by fear. I want to be better, striving only for excellence and settling for nothing less. So here’s to March – hoping that these words will manifest into reality and that my days in the wilderness will be over”. You truly have been given a great gift. I’m studying in the book of Nehemiah, another great book on looking to God for strength and committing to Gods Word. Bless you,